And If I Had A Shotgun

I like guns. Shotguns even more so. Especially the ones that look like they can take out a fucking Tyrannosaur with a single shot. Like the one Muldoon from Jurassic Park has. Crikey.

The Franchi SPAS 12. Nasty fucking piece of machinery that looks like its been ripped right off the top of a tank.

So to kill time, I decided to come up with a tentative list of people I'd like to see in front of the business end of this gun, if ever I were to own one. In no particular order, the list is as follows.

• People who don't like George Carlin. Huge piles of redundant protoplasm to quote the great air marshal himself.
  
  
  
• Lady Gaga.

• People who think Lady Gaga is actually a lady. One does not become a lady just because one looks like one has been pelted with lipstick and other assorted cosmetics.
     

• Sharon Osbourne.

• People who have the same grave misconception about Sharon Osbourne as those in the third group have about Lady Gaga.

• People from the VHEM - The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement. I mean come on, they're just asking for it aren't they.
  
  
  
• And those who ought to belong with the VHEM but currently and rather unfortunately don't. Think of it as fast-tracking the process.
  
  
  
• People who at any point in time have seriously considered voting for Sarah Palin (Darwin evidently is wrong). Thankfully the lot that wanted to vote for Donald Trump also fall into this category.

• People who see the need to replace replacing 'c' with 'k' wherever possible. Kolossal kokk sukking kunts.

• Rabid Manchester United fans (Notice I did not use the word people here).
  

• Certain esteemed faculty at my esteemed college. I like to think of it as increasing the national average I.Q.

• People whose favourite movies seemingly inconspicuously turn out to be those they've seen from (only because they happened to have seen it in) IMDb's top 250.  

• People who don't think this article is funny. Seriously.

• People who take this article seriously. You're a liability, you see. 

• People who have similar lists in which my name figures. You too are a liability, you see.

• Them text message messiahs. Yeah the lot that decides to mindlessly forward spurious life lessons and inane wisdom in their wretched sms lingo that vandalizes and savages English one misspelled word at a time.

• Their Facebook counterparts, spamming away to glory with those pointless status messages. Never before has the humble cut-copy function caused this much distress on such a massive scale so effortlessly.
  
  

• People who pronounce every word with at least one extra syllable thereby making alarm allah-ram, film fill-um, fixed fix-head and so on.

• People who think cracking God-awful jokes and atrocious puns is the quite the same as having a sense of humor.

• People who enjoy waking up extremely early in the morning for no particular reason. Especially on a Sunday.
  
  
  
  
• Relentlessly cheerful people. To very loosely paraphrase the chap from 300, their relentless cheeriness shall be put to the test.
  
  
  
  
• People who answer rhetorical questions. Why, you ask? Well, if you think you know the answer...
  
  
  
  
• Mimes. Nothing against them personally, I'm just curious about what their reaction'll be if they survive the first shot, whether they'll actually scream and writhe in pain or just plain mime the aforementioned screaming and writhing. And it wont be completely conclusive unless it includes the entire demographic will it.
  
  
  
  
• Uptight Wikipedia admins who delete articles and remove updates with the same intensity and speed the Nazis went about their work.
  

Anxiously awaiting the hate mail and trolling in the comment section, and that's how I'll know it was a good read.

In Memoriam MMXI

Sir, thank you truly for everything. 

I shall "Ride out, Stand and Shout - Carry on, Sail on and Sing my song"
For We Rock.

Epic Midnight Conversations

Reminiscing about forgotten tales of stupidity is always amazing. Especially when it's with two of your favourite fuck-nuts, in the dead of the night and leads to spoofing 300 in Hindi. Sheer brilliance, I say! Thanks ra buggers - Ashole and Halli. Cheers.

Surex? No Seriously, Surex?

Whatte advertisement, I say! What a crappy, crappy, annoying as fuck, asinine, idiotic bloody advert.

Right, so here's the synopsis of the ad -

Purported macho stud dude with what looks like a Samsung phone goes to the store's checkout counter to pay and hands the sales lady (deemed smoking hot for some reason by the ad's rather imaginative creators) a five hundred rupee note, who after a seemingly disgusted glance at the Samsung hands hims back part of the change and a couple of what looks like those cheap (50p I think) Ravalgaon toffees in lieu of the remainder of the change. 
      
  Along comes the wuss next door and the same ritual repeats, only this time after a long, passionate glance at the wuss' Lava phone the hot-librarian-wannabe sales lady has a wet dream and instead of the Ravalgaons the wuss is suggestively handed a couple of Surex condoms. The ad then proceeds to encapsulate the features of this awesome piece of technology i.e. the Lava phone, not the condom weirdly enough. Unbelievable features like a gun-metal finish and sharp, masculine edges and finally the ad ends with the phone's tagline Separates the Men from the Boys.

Not that I particularly like those Korean bastards Samsung, but really? These guys at Lava are better how?

And what an inane ad. Don't these people think before they put up trash like this. Here's some crap that really bothered me -

• Surex? Ooh, I wonder what that's an allusion to? Durex? Nah, that can't be it now, can it? By the way, Durex is a portmanteau durability, reliability and excellence. I'll leave it up to you to come up with some for Surex.

• Masculine edges? Are FREAKING kidding me? What the fuck do you mean by masculine edges? So, what now, we have feminine and hermaphroditic edges? Euclid, Descartes, Riemann and every dead mathematician would turn over in their graves if they ever heard this. Hell, turning over and even thrashing about would be rather mild, I'd expect something like George A. Romero's Night of the Living Dead, only here zombie mathematicians would hunt down the imbeciles that made this ad.

• Lava phones are the key to getting laid? Really? Apparently all you have to do is get a Lava phone and sales ladies all over the world will want to bed you. Women really like Lava phones that much eh? Must be them masculine edges. Though now that I think about it I do remember Hugh Hefner talking about how Lava was the secret of his success. And I'm fairly sure James Bond, Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne had Lava phones. Talk about revelations, this is like that Pick of Destiny moment. 

• The wuss is accepting those condoms? Do you really want condoms that cost as much as a few toffees do? 

• Separates the men from the boys how now? Why is that even relevant when you buy a phone. How the fuck does that even make sense? Phones can do that now? And here I was thinking them Android phones were feature rich.

The only possible consolation for getting a Lava phone is that it's probably the only Indian phone manufacturing company that has an English word thats spelt correctly as it's name, unlike Karbonn and Maxx and the rest of the lot which bastardize/bollywoodize the English dictionary. Why even bother advertising with names like these right?

Here's hoping that Lava can come up with a halfway decent advert the next time around. And maybe even a halfway decent phone. 

End of rant.