And If I Had A Shotgun

I like guns. Shotguns even more so. Especially the ones that look like they can take out a fucking Tyrannosaur with a single shot. Like the one Muldoon from Jurassic Park has. Crikey.

The Franchi SPAS 12. Nasty fucking piece of machinery that looks like its been ripped right off the top of a tank.

So to kill time, I decided to come up with a tentative list of people I'd like to see in front of the business end of this gun, if ever I were to own one. In no particular order, the list is as follows.

• People who don't like George Carlin. Huge piles of redundant protoplasm to quote the great air marshal himself.
  
  
  
• Lady Gaga.

• People who think Lady Gaga is actually a lady. One does not become a lady just because one looks like one has been pelted with lipstick and other assorted cosmetics.
     

• Sharon Osbourne.

• People who have the same grave misconception about Sharon Osbourne as those in the third group have about Lady Gaga.

• People from the VHEM - The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement. I mean come on, they're just asking for it aren't they.
  
  
  
• And those who ought to belong with the VHEM but currently and rather unfortunately don't. Think of it as fast-tracking the process.
  
  
  
• People who at any point in time have seriously considered voting for Sarah Palin (Darwin evidently is wrong). Thankfully the lot that wanted to vote for Donald Trump also fall into this category.

• People who see the need to replace replacing 'c' with 'k' wherever possible. Kolossal kokk sukking kunts.

• Rabid Manchester United fans (Notice I did not use the word people here).
  

• Certain esteemed faculty at my esteemed college. I like to think of it as increasing the national average I.Q.

• People whose favourite movies seemingly inconspicuously turn out to be those they've seen from (only because they happened to have seen it in) IMDb's top 250.  

• People who don't think this article is funny. Seriously.

• People who take this article seriously. You're a liability, you see. 

• People who have similar lists in which my name figures. You too are a liability, you see.

• Them text message messiahs. Yeah the lot that decides to mindlessly forward spurious life lessons and inane wisdom in their wretched sms lingo that vandalizes and savages English one misspelled word at a time.

• Their Facebook counterparts, spamming away to glory with those pointless status messages. Never before has the humble cut-copy function caused this much distress on such a massive scale so effortlessly.
  
  

• People who pronounce every word with at least one extra syllable thereby making alarm allah-ram, film fill-um, fixed fix-head and so on.

• People who think cracking God-awful jokes and atrocious puns is the quite the same as having a sense of humor.

• People who enjoy waking up extremely early in the morning for no particular reason. Especially on a Sunday.
  
  
  
  
• Relentlessly cheerful people. To very loosely paraphrase the chap from 300, their relentless cheeriness shall be put to the test.
  
  
  
  
• People who answer rhetorical questions. Why, you ask? Well, if you think you know the answer...
  
  
  
  
• Mimes. Nothing against them personally, I'm just curious about what their reaction'll be if they survive the first shot, whether they'll actually scream and writhe in pain or just plain mime the aforementioned screaming and writhing. And it wont be completely conclusive unless it includes the entire demographic will it.
  
  
  
  
• Uptight Wikipedia admins who delete articles and remove updates with the same intensity and speed the Nazis went about their work.
  

Anxiously awaiting the hate mail and trolling in the comment section, and that's how I'll know it was a good read.